Plans. I spend a good portion of my life planning things out. I am most comfortable when things are stable, when I have an understanding of what's to come, when I'm in control. However, I'm beginning to realize that creating a solid plan and seeing it through don't always fall on the same page.
For the first time in my life, my job is in danger, and for nothing of my own fault. I try to go to work every day with a fresh outlook. Every time a child walks into my classroom, no matter what they did or said the previous day, they have a new page in my book. I work hard to make my lessons meaningful. I work hard to go beyond what's expected. But I, along with many other fabulous teachers, got a letter stating that our positions were up for discussion at a closed door board meeting.
My principal told me at my final evaluation (the same time as I got my rice letter) that I would be recommended for next year, however under the current circumstances she didn't know if that really meant anything. I asked her what I can expect next. A riff letter? A contract? When would these things happen? When would I know? She just shook her head and said she didn't have any idea.
But this does not fit in to my plan. Tom and I are supposed to start apartment hunting. We're supposed to move in June. We're supposed to go forward, not stay still.
A few weeks ago, I was in Atlantic City with two good friends from work. We were talking about the current climate in New Jersey schools. They were talking about their wonderful, exciting back up plans. Making invitations full time. Creating a DIY bakery. It was then I began to realize that I don't have a back up. I don't have anything else. Teaching is the end of the road for me.
It took me longer than others to discover that my calling was in education. And maybe that's why I haven't discovered what I could do if teaching doesn't work out. I just never planned on having it not work. At the same time, I don't want it to be my dead end street. I don't want teaching to be the only thing that defines me.
I was on the phone with Melinda, crying about this among other things, not too long ago. Since she is the best friend a girl could ask for, she calmed me down and made me feel a small sense of stability again. "You have your writing, Sam."
Do I? The writers group is going great but I'm still not past page 13 and I still can't stop comparing myself to everyone else (don't yell, Melinda). This blog is great too- I get out my crazy emotions, feel renewed after- but I only have a handful of readers (only 7 that I know about) so I wouldn't say it's going anywhere fast. I don't have anything concrete. I don't have anything that feels like a real plan.
And, on top of all this, I'm terrible at waiting. I get agitated, crazy, even a little mean (poor Tom). Needless to say, this maybe one of the toughest times I've ever experienced. I'm dealing with the things that make me feel the weakest- instability, self-realization, and waiting.
So the question stands, what am I supposed to do now?
Last night I had an art class at KH and one of the participants said that she felt like she was working full time doing something she hated and putting all her energy into a side project that wasn't making her any money. She asked, How did I plan to wind up with the shop? The simple answer: I planned and planned and never could have predicted what wound up to be. Sometimes the best plan is no plan at all. Just work every day to your fullest (like you are doing) and know that things work themselves out. Enjoy where you are at the moment.
ReplyDeleteIt is a horrible feeling, not knowing what to do next. I had a somewhat similar experience. Right after college, a few months after graduating, I got a full time position where I had done a few years on interning. I was thrilled, decent pay, great benefits, close to home, and the job itself was great in that I got to be out in the field most days and once I left in the afternoon I didn't have to think about anything until the next day. Well a year in, I left to pursue something I had a passion for, cooking, a head cook job. It was exhausting and difficult, my bosses were evil but I did enjoy the creativity it allowed. Well I went to Disney for a week, the day I got back they let me go because of "financial" reasons. Here I was we just bought a house and our wedding was only 6 months away. I was feeling lost and hopeless.... I could not find a job. How would I explain why I left a career in what I went to school for to a job in cooking? I was so afraid and questioning everything... it was a hard time....
ReplyDeleteYou are talented and a kind person and I know that if you are to lose this job that you will find another and be great at it! You are ambitious and good at what you do, you are passionate and anyone can see that! As hard as it is, things always seem to work out to be ok, even if they aren't exactly how you planned. You will be great at whatever life leads you to. Be strong and embrace the things that are or are not headed your way.