Water

My life has been an ocean lately. Sometimes I'm swimming against this strong current. No matter how hard or fast I kick I never get further from the shore. Other times, the riptide wraps around my ankles and pulls me out to sea before I have time to realize I can't get back to the beach. This week, the two tides have been playing tug of war. One minute I feel like I'm being washed up on shore, unable to get anywhere. The next, I'm drowning somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic.

I've written quite a bit about my need to plan. I like to have blue prints for my life carefully excavated and understood. However, it seems that everytime I construct a plan I feel comfortable with, a tsunami of "what-ifs" and new develops destroy it. I can't even get my feet on the ground without getting the wind knocked out of me.

I'd like to just stop planning. Really, I would. But letting go of control is scary. Thinking that life could just happen, without my hands wrapped tightly around it, well that's petrifying.

I don't have control over my employment for next year. I don't have control over Tom finding a stable and enjoyable career. I feel like I don't even have control over where I'm going to live come June. I need something I can grasp. Something that I feel like I'm creating, controlling, molding- instead of having everything the other way around.

So, Tom and I have decided to wait till May 15 to make any moving plans. I have to wait to find out about my contract till next year. Wait to see how the next few weeks play out for Tom. It's hard to float with all this waiting on top of me. I think I could use a little advice- though I'v been known not to take others ideas too well.

Some good luck and a few breaks wouldn't be bad either.