Birthdays

I turn 27 tomorrow. Birthdays have always had a strange effect over me. I think it's the very concrete notion of change- even though nothing ever really changes, at least not within the few hours from going to one year to the next. Yet, just knowing I am one year older, one year further away or closer to what-ever, leaves me feeling unsettled.

One of my favorite short stories is "Eleven" by Sandra Cisneros. In it she writes, "What they don't understand about birthdays and what they never tell you is that when

you're eleven, you're also ten, and nine, and eight, and seven, and six, and five, and four,

and three, and two, and one...

Because the way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk

or like my little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one.

That's how being eleven years old is."

So here I am, on the cusp of turning 27, but all of my other years are still nestled inside of me. As a writer I always seem to go back to my sixteenth year and the time I spent in the coffee house in Belmar. Or when I was eighteen, ready to leave for college, feeling like I was already gone, and the hours thinking, staring at the ocean.

I read a poem with my class the other day. The poet said something about writing about the time in your life that was the vividest. Could that be those years I spent trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged? In memory, they always seem black and white, sepia toned and washed out. What about now?

Now. It seems sometimes between working, worrying about money, taking care of a home, trying to rush the next stages, that I loose sight of who I am. Overly emotional, overly sensitive, creative, loving... I need to paint this time, make it vivid.

Where does happiness fit in?

This is my happiness journey. The changes I fear are now the ones I want to embrace. I don't know where the next years will take me and the unknown is unsettling. But there's comfort in knowing that my sixteenth year is still inside me, like the rings inside a tree trunk, helping to shape the years to come.

Another post about moving

So I know I've been on this moving kick for a few blogs now, and I'm sure some people are thinking "Sam, stop with the moving- crap! We know you're not going anywhere!" And this might be true. However, something keeps making me browse move.com, comparing what I get in my beloved state to what I get else where.

The more I think about it, the more I begin to believe that buying a home here might be the dumbest thing we can do. I keep weighing the odds. Friends? Room? Taxes? Schools? Stable job? What are the most important things? I'll let you take a look at what I'm comparing.

For 200,000

3 bedroom, 3 bath 2,724 square feet in Noblesville, In

1 bedroom, 1 bath in Westfield, NJ

I know what my New Jersey friends are thinking: "Sam, that's Westfield!" Of course, Westfield is a super expensive area but even down in Howell I'm probably only going to get a small townhouse, or a single family home with repairs that'll double the cost of the house. I know friends in Jackson spent much more than this on a townhome, though beautiful, has no yard and astronomical taxes. (Ang, coming with me?)

If we buy what we can afford in New Jersey, we'll have to move by the time we have more than 1 child. That is if we can even afford to move. In Indiana, we might be able to buy home and just stay. Not having to move again? That's also pretty tempting.

I know, I know. Pipe dreams right? Maybe, maybe not. The more I think about it, the more tempting this move sounds.

Rules of Engagement

My new years resolution was to stay positive, stay in the present, and stop trying to measure myself to other people's standards. I don't understand why this is so difficult. Really, my life is pretty good. I have a great career, a loving and attractive live-in boyfriend, a big apartment, and a fabulous group of friends. Yet, at times it's as if I'm only capable of seeing what's missing instead of what's there. I see the gaps, the weak spots, and I press on them so hard that they begin to cave in.

I see every other girl in the universe engaged. My left hand remains ringless. And no matter how many times my friends tell me it will come in time- no matter how many times he tells me it'll come in time- all I can see is my bare finger. It's stupid. Ridiculous. I have a boyfriend most girls would kill for. I'm not saying he's perfect, because of course he's not. However, if I'm having a bad day he's the first to tell me to sit down and relax. He always tells me how much he appreciates my home cooked meals, and my attempts at making our first apartment feel like home. And at the same time, when he knows I'm burning out, he's the one making dinner, cleaning up the apartment, doing a bit of laundry (all without being asked). He listens to my detailed accounts of everything. He brings me flowers just because he saw them in Shop Rite and thought of me.

We can talk for hours. We can sit on the couch, tied up in our own worlds, without saying a word and I feel comforted and safe. He can look at me and know my feelings. Touch my neck and measure how I tense I am. At times, he's the only person who can talk any sense into me at all. Yet, still there are days when all I can see is what's not there.

I hear you, it'll come. So I won't be part of the slew of engagement announcements that have decorated this years faculty room. And that's ok. As Tom continues to remind me, we'll have fifty years to be married but only a handful to date.

To Write or Not to Write

I used to consider myself a writer. In high school and college, I always knew I'd create a book-- it was my one goal, my dream. How could I give up on that?

But then, things change. I grew up. Got a job. Realized it takes a lot of time to take care of an apartment, cook dinners, create lesson plans and grade papers- and some how still find time for a social life. And with those realizations, writing began to slip away, slowly at first, and before I really had a chance to think about it, it disappeared completely.

Tom's been getting on my case. "You have a book in you," he tells me, "you just have to write it."

I'm reading this mediocre best-seller. The story is "eh", the writing so-so. It's mellow dramatic and the characters are only half way developed. Laying on the couch with Tom, I look up every few pages to complain. "I could do this," I say.

"So do it," he responds.

But it's not that easy. I recently read The Kite Runner. This book blew me away. I've heard arguments that the story was somewhat cliche, with the smart, noble servant and the weaker privileged boy. However, I feel if you were focusing on the cliche than you missed the point. Khaled Hosseini crafted an amazingly intricate, well woven story. The plot was so rich it stayed with me weeks after finishing it.

Same with To Kill a Mocking Bird. I've read this book so many times that the cover of my paperback copy is starting to rip. I know the story almost by heart, yet every time I delve into it I discover something new, something that amazes me all over again.

And then I think, could I do that? Could I create something so robust, so powerful it clings to the reader? Could I write something so moving it's read over and over again until the pages are almost falling out of the binding? If I can't, if I don't have that sort of talent trapped inside of me, is there a point to even trying?

I know, I know. I'm going against everything I teach. I'm constantly telling my students the only way to get better at writing is to write constantly. If one of my students told me they didn't want to write because they thought they'd never be good enough, I'd lecture them on the benefit of positive thinking, motivation, and the importance of practice. I would never let one of my students just drop their dream for fear of failure.

So what am I doing? Maybe I'll never be Harper Lee or Ernest Hemmingway. But what's stopping me? I'll save you the cliche- you know what will happen if I never try.

The same thing will happen that's happening now... nothing. I don't think I can accept nothing as good enough anymore.

Change

Maintaining a constant sense of happiness is challenging. This week has been straining and ended terribly. I’m hoping I can refresh this weekend, get Monday over as quickly as possible, and get back on the happiness track. However, I’m not sure if it’s that easy.

I consider myself to be good at what I do. I’m a good teacher, a good girl friend, a good daughter, a good friend. I can play all my roles equally well. Balance life and home, put equal efforts into both. I try hard not to let anyone tip my scales, make me feel like I am any more or any less than who I know I am. But sometimes I feel like people are the catalysis for everything I feel, and unimportant people at that.

This is just rambling. Stream of consciousness that I’m following to lead to what I really want to write about. Change. A strong desire to be some place new is starting to take over. This happens to me a lot. I never act upon it. I guess the want to change is always trumped by the need for stability.

In my last post I wrote about moving. Friends and family, a stable job are the things that keep me nested in my three bedroom apartment in New Jersey. New Jersey is the only place I really know anyway. Sure, I spent a few years in Kutztown, P.A, but honestly college doesn’t count as living. Not real living at least. College is a microcosm, alter-reality where your responsibilities allow you to sleep till noon, skip classes if necessary, and go to your part time job too hung over to really speak. So, as far as true reality goes, New Jersey is all I know.

There are things that I truly love about where I live. I can’t imagine being far away from the beach, or The City. And I love my job. It’s stable and challenging and I feel confident that I do it well.

But couldn’t I easily do it somewhere else? What if there’s a great opportunity for Tom away from here, but I’m holding him back from it because I don’t want to leave my friends? Is that fair? Ugh, circles. I talk in endless circles. Could I throw my own stability into the fire? Would he do the same for me?

I think secretly, I want him to be offered an incredible job away from here. It would give me the catalyst to move- give me a reason to indulge this desire to change. At some point, I want to wake up somewhere else. I want to be completely certain, that if I die in New Jersey, that this was where I belonged.

Winter Musings

The world seems as if it's been washed so many times that all the color has been lost. The bits of snow left clinging to the side of the road has lost it's sparkle. Whites are turned to brown, drained to gray. I miss bright blues, white puffy clouds, and strong sunlight.

Winter is only a few weeks in, and already I find myself longing for the feeling of sun on my skin.

Tom and I took a walk a few weeks ago through the park in our town. The cold air slapping against our faces, we talked about why we live in New Jersey. There is nothing pleasurable about the cold months. Our price of living is astronomical. It will take Tom and I years to afford the house we dream of, taking the vacations we long for, have the wedding we imagine. Our state is made the butt of every bad media joke. The latest poster-child for the garden state is a grown man who refers to himself in third person as "The Situation." Seriously? Seriously?

We could easily move somewhere else and trade in these terrible, bitter days for a slower pace of life, longer warm months, and cheaper housing. South Carolina perhaps, Florida maybe. Even back to Indiana- sure they have long winters too, but wouldn't they be easier to swallow in a 4 bed room, brand new home that we payed less than 150,000 dollars for? I'm suddenly imagining our two labs (not yet adopted) running through our fenced in back yard. Tom and I enjoying one of my cooking master pieces in our sparkling gourmet kitchen... Back to reality, back to New Jersey.

But we're here. And really, underneath it all I know these are just pipe dreams. Dreams I probably wouldn't want to ever become a reality. It's easy to muse over changes when I know they're not going to take place. I do love New Jersey- and my Jersey Shore (not the drunk, teased up, MTV version). There is no place on earth that makes me feel more at peace than LBI in summer, or Belmar on an empty, fall day. And of course I don't know if I could be far away from my friends or family...

I'll hang on. Bundle up and do the only thing I can under these circumstances... Wish for a snow day.

Thoughts Taking Over

Today was the first day back at school after a long, relaxing winter break. I was happy to find my patience restored and raring to go. Though, most of my students seemed comatose, I had one interesting interaction in my inclusion class.

At the end of reading periods I have a student give a book talk on a novel they're enjoying. It's a wonderful way to get 7th graders excited about reading. Today, a child presented a book who's protagonist suffers from ADHD. Two students raised their hand, connecting with the main character's disability. Though I've had a lot of experience with students with attention deficit disorder, none of them have ever spoken out on how it effects their lives. The girl explained that when she takes her medicine she feels grumpy and quiet. When she doesn't she can't control her actions and feels like jumping instead of walking. The boy who raised his hand said he felt the same. The medicine made him lose his appetite and put him in a bad mood. But without it, he felt like he couldn't concentrate.

A bright light was cast into my classroom: It's so easy to get irritated by students who can't focus or concentrate. However, it's vital to remember the challenges they face day in and out.

I went home after work, made a delicious dinner (read my recipe post!), did a little grading and then went to Yoga. Every time I'm asked to clear my mind and focus on my breathing, on the present, I feel a lot like my students. My brain begins to clutter with wasteful thoughts: did I pay that bill on time? how am I going to afford all these weddings? I'm hungry... I try my hardest to breathe them out. I try to do as my yoga instructor advices-- acknowledge the thoughts as fleeting, and just let go. However, the harder I attempt to release, the harder my thoughts cling to my brain, force their way in and attempt to take over.

I try simple things, like reminding myself that this hour is for me and no one else. That those thoughts are useless-- I obviously can't pay a bill while folded into downward dog. But these day dreams are strong, stronger than my will to silence them. And sometimes the only way to let the thoughts go is to let them win.

Keep breathing.

Dinner Post- Pork Chops and Apple Slaw

http://thisweeksmenu.blogspot.com/2009/08/business-time.html

I found this recipe on FoodGawker.com (thanks to Lisa). This recipe is for pork chops with an apple slaw side. The pork chops are lightly coated in cumin, flour, and salt and pepper. They came out incredibly moist and tasty. The apple slaw was delicious as well and tasted even better when eaten on the same fork as the pork chops. Yum!

Tom loved it! He said it was one of his favorite meals yet.

Let me know what you think.

Winter Break is Slipping Away

12pm. Sunday. Last day of winter break. Sitting on my couch, listening to music, sipping on cold coffee.

I'm thinking about the difference between this journal and a pen and paper journal. I can't decide how I feel just yet. I'm wondering if this change will mean anything? Will people read this? Do I want people to read this? You write differently when you anticipate an audience. I never really thought about blogs before, never looked through them. I started clicking on a few today. It's really interesting. Putting your life on the internet. Still not sure of my motivation but something is telling me this a good idea. A good change.

Today- my goal is to feel ready to get back to school. Tom's been sleeping late all weekend. For some reason, his sleeping makes it harder for me to start my day. Like today. I'll finish this post, clean up the apartment, put away laundry, get dressed, go food shopping. Maybe I'll cook something big tonight. Something warming and delicious. Hmmm....

Not going to obsess over time today. Not going to think that the day is going too fast. If I'm thinking that I'm not really enjoying the day. It's time to just breathe, relax, and enjoy.

Small Change or Enjoy This Now

As an English teacher, I usually shun cliches. But I think this one is appropriate. Small change. My New Years resolutions revolve around being happier. I'm learning that the keys are small changes I need to make in my every day life.

1. Enjoy.

Enjoy things that aren't usually not enjoyable--like laundry, cleaning the apartment, food shopping.

The challenge is injecting these mundane tasks with enjoyment. Maybe thinking about the outcome. Listening to music. Smiling. Finding humor in everything.

2. This.

I'm abandoning my pen and paper journal for a little while. I feel like I'm loosing part of my roots. But change is good. I need to embrace change.

3. Now.

I've spent a lot of time obsessing over the past and the future. I think it's time to embrace the now.