Change

Maintaining a constant sense of happiness is challenging. This week has been straining and ended terribly. I’m hoping I can refresh this weekend, get Monday over as quickly as possible, and get back on the happiness track. However, I’m not sure if it’s that easy.

I consider myself to be good at what I do. I’m a good teacher, a good girl friend, a good daughter, a good friend. I can play all my roles equally well. Balance life and home, put equal efforts into both. I try hard not to let anyone tip my scales, make me feel like I am any more or any less than who I know I am. But sometimes I feel like people are the catalysis for everything I feel, and unimportant people at that.

This is just rambling. Stream of consciousness that I’m following to lead to what I really want to write about. Change. A strong desire to be some place new is starting to take over. This happens to me a lot. I never act upon it. I guess the want to change is always trumped by the need for stability.

In my last post I wrote about moving. Friends and family, a stable job are the things that keep me nested in my three bedroom apartment in New Jersey. New Jersey is the only place I really know anyway. Sure, I spent a few years in Kutztown, P.A, but honestly college doesn’t count as living. Not real living at least. College is a microcosm, alter-reality where your responsibilities allow you to sleep till noon, skip classes if necessary, and go to your part time job too hung over to really speak. So, as far as true reality goes, New Jersey is all I know.

There are things that I truly love about where I live. I can’t imagine being far away from the beach, or The City. And I love my job. It’s stable and challenging and I feel confident that I do it well.

But couldn’t I easily do it somewhere else? What if there’s a great opportunity for Tom away from here, but I’m holding him back from it because I don’t want to leave my friends? Is that fair? Ugh, circles. I talk in endless circles. Could I throw my own stability into the fire? Would he do the same for me?

I think secretly, I want him to be offered an incredible job away from here. It would give me the catalyst to move- give me a reason to indulge this desire to change. At some point, I want to wake up somewhere else. I want to be completely certain, that if I die in New Jersey, that this was where I belonged.