Rules of Engagement

My new years resolution was to stay positive, stay in the present, and stop trying to measure myself to other people's standards. I don't understand why this is so difficult. Really, my life is pretty good. I have a great career, a loving and attractive live-in boyfriend, a big apartment, and a fabulous group of friends. Yet, at times it's as if I'm only capable of seeing what's missing instead of what's there. I see the gaps, the weak spots, and I press on them so hard that they begin to cave in.

I see every other girl in the universe engaged. My left hand remains ringless. And no matter how many times my friends tell me it will come in time- no matter how many times he tells me it'll come in time- all I can see is my bare finger. It's stupid. Ridiculous. I have a boyfriend most girls would kill for. I'm not saying he's perfect, because of course he's not. However, if I'm having a bad day he's the first to tell me to sit down and relax. He always tells me how much he appreciates my home cooked meals, and my attempts at making our first apartment feel like home. And at the same time, when he knows I'm burning out, he's the one making dinner, cleaning up the apartment, doing a bit of laundry (all without being asked). He listens to my detailed accounts of everything. He brings me flowers just because he saw them in Shop Rite and thought of me.

We can talk for hours. We can sit on the couch, tied up in our own worlds, without saying a word and I feel comforted and safe. He can look at me and know my feelings. Touch my neck and measure how I tense I am. At times, he's the only person who can talk any sense into me at all. Yet, still there are days when all I can see is what's not there.

I hear you, it'll come. So I won't be part of the slew of engagement announcements that have decorated this years faculty room. And that's ok. As Tom continues to remind me, we'll have fifty years to be married but only a handful to date.